A Marriage Song

Last Sunday, we held the first official marriage training for approximately 40 believers. 12 Christian couples, some Christian women with unbelieving husbands and some whose husbands didn't come at all, several men without their wives and a group of singles who hope to be married in the years to come. Another SIM missionary couple experienced in marriage training in Ethiopia led the sesson after church. Four hours of interactive biblical marriage teaching for 1st generation believers. We hope that it will be the stepping stone for many more teaching times.

Imagine having no godly couple to set an example for you. Imagine having little concept of what love looks like. Imagine never sharing with your spouse what you actually need from him or her. There was laughter, questions, songs, nods of understanding and hope. Hope that marriage could be something beautiful.

Marriage songs abound in Gumuz culture. In fact they are second only to songs sung against enemies. But believers are singing a new marriage song. A song that shares what biblical marriage is all about. Last year, we wrote a song from Colossians 3:18 and Ephesians 5:28 and it emphasized the very teaching that was being given. To me, it is a marriage song. A song that should be sung daily in the homes of believers because marriages are constantly under attack.

You women live well in the sight of God.
Accept your husbands.

You men, love your wives
Do not live in bitterness.

You men love your wives as you love yourself.
Do not live in bitterness.
Love your wives.

The words are pretty basic but if you ask Gumuz men what the number one problem is in their marriage, it is that their wives don't accept them/their words. If you ask Gumuz women, what the number one problem is in their marriage it is that their husbands don't love them. The women work from sunrise to sunset with little or no help from their husbands. They don't share their money and they don't tell them things.

Accepting...respecting....loving....helping....they seem so basic but they are so hard...in every culture. Yet here there is an added challenge. Women don't readily accept their husbands because they are not protected by them. If the marriage goes badly, she is sent home. If she can't bear children, she is sent home. If someone accuses her of being an evil spirit (which has just happened recently), she is taken home. Every woman needs to know they are loved and protected.

So another song was sung from 1 John 4:7-8 Love is from God.

Let us love each other. Love comes from God.
People who love are children of God.
Love comes from God.
People who love are children of God.
Love comes from God.
People who do not love, do not know God.

And so as the first group of believing couples among all these villages around us, these couples have the opportunity not only to have a godly marriage and family but to show all those around them that they love. They love because their are children of God. This love is lasting. This love is selfless. This love fights off fear and bitterness and pain. Let us love because love comes from God.

What is Sister-Exchange Marriage?

One of the first Gumuz cultural practices that I learned about was sister exchange marriage. Despite seeing the challenges that Sudanese face in getting a bride, this practice seemed to trump them all. In most cases, Sudanese brides are "bought" with cows and goats in addition to a new house, clothes and houseware.

But the Gumuz practice a very complex marriage custom which requires that two men from different clans are willing to exchange sisters. Ideally both young men have sisters of approximately the same age. Ideally these sisters are also what we would deem marriageable age. (Yet we have seen on numerous occasions when this is not the case and one girl is under 12 years old.) Although the girls are at times given the right to say no, there are many times when they have no choice in the matter and are traded as if they were materials rather than girls of value.

Of course, most practices have a purpose and this one does as well. It "secures" the marriage for if one marriage fails, the other marriage is forced to separate. If one man is unhappy with his bride and beats her or sends her away, his sister will also return home so the relatives put pressure on them to live at peace. It also "secures" a potential peaceful relationship with another clan and pacifies enemies.

But like most things, sin has corrupted a potential good idea into something devastating. When a woman is unable to give birth, she is seen as useless and returned to the family within a few years. If she is returned, the other marriage (which may have already produced several children) is also broken and that wife compelled to returned to her parents as well.

If one wife is beaten by her husband, the other man is required to beat his wife, regardless of whether he is happy with her or not. If and when he refuses to do so, his family will become angry and place increasing pressure on him. Recently, this has happened to one of our Christian staff. Because his sister is unwilling to return to her husband (because she is being beaten) and because he is unwilling to beat his own wife, he is no longer allowed to live with her. It seems as though there is no way for him to continue living with his wife if his sister refuses to return to her husband.

This sister exchange marriage sounds "simple" until one asks: What if a woman births only boys and there are no sisters to exchange? Then wives must be "purchased" for 10 cows, numerous goats and other items. This becomes so costly that some men must wait many years. A woman might birth only girls in which case, they must wait for a potential suiter willing to buy them. 

A woman might birth girls first and then some boys at the end in which case the girls must wait until their brothers grow up before they can wed. I have a dear friend who has already "promised" her 5 year old son to a family who will take him for their 8 year old daughter. This allowed my friend's 18 year old daughter to marry the older brother of the other family. Sound confusing? It is.

Then polygamy enters the picture. Consider, for instance, a family with one boy with 4 sisters. He is able to trade each one of his sisters for a bride allowing him to have 4 wives without payment. If he refuses to do this, his sisters will have to wait until a man is willing to purchase them.

I don't claim to understand it fully but there are pressures and difficult decisions that believers need to make as they find themselves in situations they have no control over. What if their wife does not produce children? Will they go against their culture and keep her? What if they have unmarried sisters? Will they take a second wife in order to allow her to be married? What if their wife is taken back against their will? Pray that believers would have wisdom and that God would intercede on their behalf.